"I'm not an Imposter"...

And other battles I have to fight daily.

"Imposter Syndrome."

If you've been in a position of power, you probably have had that feeling at least once. The feeling that someone somewhere is going to realize you don't know as much as they think you do. Someone, somewhere can do what you're doing... and they'll do it better.

There's someone smarter. Funnier. More talented.

And, honestly, this isn't just something that creative people face, although I'm more familiar with this particular group. We're a hormonal bunch, to be sure!

No. Imposter Syndrome is something that anyone can battle against at any point. It can creep up on you slowly, gradually. Or it can come barreling at you like a mother trucking freight train. Both options will find you sprawled out on the sidelines, confused about what happened and how you'll get back on track.

Both options will have you wondering if standing up is smart, or just your pride talking.

Lately, I've been dealing with a lot of "ugh" feelings. Imposter Syndrome is one, sure. It's the one most commonly talked about, especially now. There are reels and stories and posts where booksta-peers talk about what it feels like to battle this particular beast.

But what other battles are we facing?

For me, there's RSD: Rejection Sensitivity Disorder. This is a fairly common situation that people with ADHD/ADD, even persons on the Autism-spectrum-- and don't forget the double whammy of AuDHD persons who are facing the conflicting/opposing tendencies simultaneously.

RSD means that while I know... like logistically am aware... that criticism and critiques are par for the course--healthy even-- my brain will immediately tell me that if someone is offering a counter opinion... Welp. They must hate me. Does it make sense? Hell no. Life isn't black and white, love and hate. It's the greys of life that make colors stand out, and yet my brain won't let me believe this.

For nearly two months, since I finished writing Playing Hooky, I've been battling this particular beast in so many areas. I started a new job working with a shipping company. I work overnight 4 nights a week. And, as with any new job, there's a learning curve. But my brain thinks managers must hate me or think I'm pathetic if I need assistance. And my family must hate me because I'm not available the way I used to be. And my house is a disaster as I find balance between work, kids/husband, writing (which isn't happening the way I would want), cooking/cleaning... There's all the plates and I'm not where I want to be with them.

So... obviously I'm terrible at everything.

**I'm not looking for sympathy. I've worked for years to gather tools to work through this. I'm simply putting out there the mental mind field I'm traversing EVERY DAY so maybe someone who doesn't have the tools can see this and know-- there's hope. There's a community of us. And less people dislike you than you honestly think.

Another Battle?: Creative Frustration

A few months ago, a social-media friend hit some incredible milestones. And boy, was I happy for them. Proud for them.

And, at the same time, I was sad I wasn't hitting those milestones ALSO.

But, we are told we can't say things like that out loud. We can't want what others have for ourselves without people assuming we want what they have so they don't have it. And that's not true.

At all!

I want my friend(s) to experience all the incredible things that we've dreamt of. Great sales numbers. Popularity on Social Media. Readers finding them! Agents and PAs and marketing persons they can pay real money to.

I'm not there. Not yet. Maybe not ever. And it sucks because I wish my books were beloved the way some other authors' books are. Never would I want their books to be "lessened," but I'd be really okay with my own books finding that launching pad.

And saying that out loud is scary. Because society has taught us that jealousy is never a good thing. So, if I'm jealous, I must wish less for the other person. Not true. I wish we could ALL have the success. There's a difference, but it's not spoken of or accepted as easily.

My "Hydra-Lion" of battles: Acceptance

I don't know where this one falls, specifically. I don't know if it belongs under another umbrella. I don't know if this is part of another aspect of my life (probably), but I don't feel connected to many people right now.

Have I pulled away?

Have they?

Have I come to a point where the "seasons" for those friendships are all ending simultaneously? Is it just bad luck and timing?

I'm familiar with the saying "A reason, a season, a lifetime" when it comes to friendships and relationships. Not all connections are meant to be forever. Some have a miniscule timeframe. Some, like seasons, feel like they'll last forever, only to end, whether gradually or abruptly.

When I look around, I'm not sure I want all the people around that I find I've surrounded myself with. Natural -- NORMAL! -- Personality differences combined with my RSD and I have the instinct to pull away.

I'm lucky in that I have two incredibly close friends that I call, text, DM, PM... all the things. I will run my situations by them and ask for an outsider perspective. These women know me and know how to handle me so that I can accept their input. But they're not K.A's (Kiss Asses) or uber-hype girls who only tell me I rock and can do no wrong.

No. These friends help me sort through my feelings and will lovingly tell me when I'm wrong.

I'm lucky to have two people like that; some don't have even one person who can be there in that way for them.

SAD: Seasonal Affected Disorder--Winter Blues

I first learned about S.A.D. from my grandmother. She lives in WV and it rains there almost as much as Seattle. (I think I read once that she lives in the 3rd rainiest city in the WORLD!) She's talked about moving south where there's more sunshine than cloudy days.

January is notoriously the month of the year where more cases of depression and/or anxiety are noted. Dark days. Being cooped in the house due to inclement weather. My kids had a 5 day weekend due to low temps after being out of school for almost a MONTH for winter break! Also, the drop in dopamine following the high-highs of the holidays-- the frenzy starting in freaking OCTOBER now!--causes more people to feel down.

And that's part of it for me as well. I start to feel this weight, this heaviness that doesn't lift much, as early as mid-September, and it has been known to last through to March. Not always, but after the emotional turmoil of last year I'm trying to prepare myself for that fallout, the emotional letdown.

What I'm trying to say is...

My brain is pulling double duty lately: It holds the knowledge behind these facts, stats, situations. I've done the work to create a toolkit for mental health.

And yet, that bish is also the one beating me down with a hammer and acting like it's my heart doing the painful work. My brain is gaslighting me! I'm not oblivious to this. But awareness of it and execution are two very different topics.

One is passive; awareness requires no effort. It just is.

One is active. Execution means that I have to work every day. Reminders and actions and reframing... it's exhausting and there's little-to-no tangible or visual evidence of success. So you can look around all you want and not see proof of growth, which just heaps more shit on the cow patty of mental fatigue.

Is this a complete list of what mental health issues we're facing now?

Nope.

It's not even a complete list for me! (But that's something between me and my therapist! lol)

This is just a sneak peek behind the curtain of my life. Of why I'm not as active as I was before the holidays. Of why the words aren't hitting the pages even as they float around in my head.

My toolkit is stocked with what I've found so far. It's not an all-encompassing toolkit. Like, I wouldn't be able to perform a full renovation, but it's enough to manage some basic home repairs! Find yourself a toolbox and start filling it with the tools you need.

Maybe later I'll do a post on some simple tactical tricks I have used over the years.